The Love Killer

 Today, I am being prompted to grow in my marriage through

FIGHTING THE SELFISHNESS IN MY HEART BY FINDING CONTENTMENT IN CHRIST ALONE

It was one year ago when it happened.  I had been anticipating it's arrival for weeks, maybe even months.  Finally, when it arrived I couldn't wait to see what was in store for me...it was our anniversary after-all, and David had known for several weeks about the weekend date I had arranged.  I was certain that he would sweep me off of my feet once again and "romance" me like he used to in our earlier years.  

I dropped the children off at a friends house, drove back home, and then patiently (not-so patiently is more accurate) waited for David to come home from work.  All the while, dreaming about what my wonderful husband must have planned to make our weekend together really special and memorable.  Like a small child, anxiously awaiting the arrival of Christmas, I waited, looked at my watch, waited some more, looked out the window, and waited some more.  Finally, I could see David's car heading towards our driveway.  I jumped up from my seat and eagerly ran out to greet him.  

After giving David a little time to unwind after working all day, I asked, "So, what are we going to do tonight?"  The response came as quite a shock to me, "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

I didn't even know what to say.  I was so sure that David had planned a great weekend date for the two of us!  So I inquired a little more, "Are we going out to eat somewhere?"  Again, the response came as quite a shock, "I don't know, I haven't really thought about it."  

Immediately, I could feel the anger bubbling up inside of me...like a carbonated beverage that's been shaken up, just waiting for the lid to be loosened so that it can explode.  That pretty well sums up how I felt right at that moment.  I just couldn't believe that David hadn't planned anything for our anniversary, and I was going to make my feelings very clear.  The cold shoulder always works well for that. 

Would you believe that I was so angry that I barely said a handful of words to my husband most of the weekend.  He of course felt the tension between us, so he just kind of kept his distance from me, which only intensified the anger that I felt.  "He should be pursuing me and making me feel loved and appreciated!  I mean, I went to all of the hard work of scheduling the date, the least he could do is plan something nice for us to do together!" 

Thankfully, right before we went to pick up our children, we had a discussion, mutually pouring out our thoughts and disappointments with one another...and eventually confessing our sins, seeking forgiveness, and most of all, regretting our stupidity in wasting an entire weekend being rude and angry towards one another.  

I take full responsibility for our wonderfully anticipated weekend date ending up as a miserable and lonely  "no-show" instead.  I had been extremely SELFISH!  I had placed several expectations upon David that were just outright unfair.  

In the moment, I felt that David had a responsibility to sweep me off of my feet...meanwhile my sin of selfishness was being deliberately swept under the rug by my pride.

To be really honest, I had lost sight of the fact that my contentment must come from Christ alone, and not from the actions of my husband. 

Looking back, I am amazed that I didn't even bother to consider the fact that I could have planned a wonderfully romantic weekend date for David.  Hmmm, I wonder why that never crossed my mind?  I will give you a clue.  It begins with MY SELF.  Yep, I was being selfish.  I wanted, what I wanted, when I wanted it because I had failed to remember that only God can complete me!  

My guess, is that you can relate in some way to this story; after all, we are more alike than different when it comes to our sins and struggles in life.  Maybe you just feel unappreciated and unloved by your husband and it is beginning to wear you down emotionally.  You may wonder why your response really matters anyway.  Well, I would appeal to you that your response does matter.  The Bible has much to say on the topic of selfishness.  Read the following verses, if you will.   

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3

 "Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil." James 3-13-15

"For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." James 3:16-17

Wow!  I am so humbled.  

I remember hearing at a marriage conference several years ago that "selfishness kills love".  Oh, how true and wise those words are, causing my heart to sting with regret and pain at my own selfishness within me.  Sadly, I am certain that it is not the last time that my selfishness will rear it's ugly head in my marriage to David, because I am a sinner...and as long as I am on this earth, I always will be.  

But, I know that God's desire would be for me to seek to find my contentment in Christ alone, through learning to love HIM more.  Only Jesus has the power to change my selfish heart and give me true contentment within my life and marriage.

I would like to end with two quotes that really spoke to me this morning.  I hope they will speak to you as well. 

"When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now."  C.S. Lewis

"You say, "If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied." You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled."  Charles Spurgeon

Cultivating Tender Thoughts

Today, as I was folding my husband's clothing, I started thinking about how amazing it is that God has allowed David and I to share our lives together.  In our 15 years of marriage, we have experienced great joys and bitter sorrows, pleasant memories and difficult trials, the birth of children and the loss of jobs.  And, I wouldn't change a thing!

I am equally amazed that God chose a man like David, who is so patient and kind despite my crazy antics, strong opinions, and burning passions, which would drive most people crazy. He is unbelievably patient and kind even when I have refused to allow him to use the toilet, simply because I had just finished cleaning it and I didn't want it to get dirty again.  Or, when out of the blue I have decided to boycott a company like Kelloggs because they are using genetically modified ingredients in the food they produce.  My wonderful husband simply smiled and ate the organic, less-tasty cereal I purchased instead.  I could learn a lot from David's example.

Recently, I  read a book entitled, "When Sinners Say I Do", by Dave Harvey.  I would highly recommend it to married couples, couples who are engaged, and even to those who are single, but hope to marry in the future.  It really drives home the fact that a marriage consists of two sinners, both in need of a Savior and that our husbands are hand-picked to bring out our sinful attitudes, behaviors, and thoughts as a way of sanctifying us...conforming us more and more to the image of Christ. This is certainly true in my marriage.  God has used my marriage to David to make me more painfully aware of my sins,and more humbly aware of my Savior. 

I found a wonderful quote by Elisabeth Elliot which stirs me as a wife to grow in grace towards my husband, and I hope it will stir you as well:

"The consciousness that we are alike in our need of redemption is a liberating one.  For there will be times when you find yourself accusing, criticizing, resenting...But you will find yourself disarmed utterly, and your accusing spirit transformed into loving forgiveness the moment you remember that you did, in fact marry only a sinner, and so did he.  It's grace you both need...you love, accept, and forgive that sinner as you yourself expect to be loved, accepted, and forgiven.  You know that 'all have sinned and come short of the glory of God,' and this includes your husband who comes short, also, of some of the glories you expected to find in him.  Come to terms with this once and for all and then walk beside him as 'heirs together of the grace of life.'"

As I thought about my marriage today, I realized that there are many areas in which God would desire for me to grow as a wife, as a way of bringing honor to David and glory to God.  So, over the next several days, I would like to share a few of them with you.

My prayer is that each of you would meditate on these truths as well, and by doing so, that your faith would be strengthened, that your love towards your husband would be rekindled, and that ultimately your marriage would be a beautiful reflection of "God's amazing grace".

And, as always, I would love to hear about the changes that God is bringing about within your marriage or within your heart as a woman as you read, reflect, and apply His word. 

Today, I am being prompted by the Lord to grow in my marriage through,

CULTIVATING TENDER THOUGHTS TOWARDS MY HUSBAND.

 How?   
1.  By "taking captive" any critical thoughts I have towards my husband, and replacing them with true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable thoughts towards him.  

One of the best ways I can think of to put this truth into action is by praying for David throughout the day.  Thanking God for the hard-working, loving husband He has given me and by choosing to let go of the unrealistic exceptions that I unfairly place on him.  Ahh, I am ashamed to admit that often times, I have placed selfish expectations upon David, simply because I am overly absorbed with my own desires, wants, and needs;  stirring up selfishness and pride, and a whole host of other nasty things which I am not proud of.  But as I try and look towards the needs of David first, willingly letting go of the unfair expectations I have placed upon him, and as I seek to grow in serving him instead of expecting to be served, my thoughts also become more tender towards David and more pleasing to the Lord. 

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."  Philippians 4:8

2.  By remembering all of the things that attracted me to David when we were first married.

As a wife and mom, there are so many thoughts that consume my days... Where did the kids hide the bread  I was planning to use for breakfast?  Did the dog eat my "to do" list again this week?  Does trying to walk through the house with a screaming child hanging from my leg count as exercise?  And these thoughts all occur within the first 10 minutes of jumping  (or should I say crawling) out of bed. 

I find that at times I am so consumed by the other thoughts spinning around in my head, that I rarely take time to think of David throughout the day.  The following quote from Shirley Rice is a wonderful reminder of the necessity of taking time to intentionally cultivate tender thoughts towards my husband.  

"By the grace of God, I want you to start changing your thought pattern.  Tomorrow morning, get your eyes off the toaster or the baby bottles long enough to look at him.  Don't you see the way his coat fits his shoulders?  Look at his hands.  Do you remember when just to Look at his strong hands made your heart life.  Well, LOOK at him and remember.  Then, loose your tongue and tell him you love him."

I am so encouraged!  Today, I am going to spend time praying for David, asking God to help me find ways of serving him, and intentionally taking the time to remember all of the things that I love so dearly about the amazing man God gave me.

I hope that you are encouraged as well,  to cultivate loving tender thoughts towards your husband, ask God to rid your mind of any critical thoughts you may have against him, and pray that God would enable you to sincerely give thanks for the wonderful and precious gift HE has given you.

Oh, and don't forget to greet your hubby when he walks through the door by wrapping your arms lovingly around him, kissing him on the lips (even if the children are around), and telling him how much you love and appreciate him.

The Mountainside Experience

The coolness of the evening breeze could be felt as Isaac and I walked, both of us enjoying our special time together.  Looking out over the sea of people and campsites surrounding us, I listened as Isaac talked about the great time he was having at the Creation Festival.  It was our last night before returning home, so I was hoping to make it a really special evening for my son.  Little did I know that God had a wonderful teaching moment in store for the two of us.   

High upon the mountainside was an overlook, revealing the the beautiful valley below.  I knew Isaac would love it, so I grabbed his tiny hand and slowly led the way to the base of the trail, walking along side of him.  We hadn't walked very far when it occurred to me that it was begging to get dark and we had no flashlight.  So, I picked up the pace in hopes of making it to the top and back down before the trail was lost in the darkness.  But Isaac's little 4 year old legs just could not keep up with the quick pace I had set.  Frequently, we had to stop to give his legs time to rest and recuperate before attempting to climb higher up the trail.   

About half-way up the mountainside, the path was no longer visible to our eyes.  Darkness had set in, leaving only an occasional flickering of lights from the movement of other people's flashlights way up in the distance.  Although I didn't want to show it, I was scared.  We could not see anything surrounding us at all!  It was pitch black.

I was so afraid that I would lead my child to the cliffs' edge without even realizing it, or that Isaac would stumble on the rocky path in front of him, leaving him injured.  "Ahhh!  What was I thinking by bringing my young son up a mountain without a flashlight to lead us?"

I stopped moving and stood almost paralyzed on the mountainside, silently praying for help.  I could sense that Isaac was becoming afraid as well.  I squeezed his hand a little tighter, pulled him a little closer toward my body, and assured him that everything was going to be alright.  I am not quite sure how long the two of us were standing upon that dark mountainside alone, but it seemed like forever.  

Then out of the blue, two girls walked up behind us and noticed us standing there.  Without asking any questions, one of them walked over next to me and handed me her flashlight.  In that instant, a peace swept over me. Shining the light in front of us, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness for God's protection over us.

The path could clearly be seen now, exposing the unsteady ground, the cliffs, and the other dangers that seemed to lurk in the darkness.  I once again grabbed Isaac's hand and we slowly, but confidently made our way to the overlook at the top of the mountainside.  We stood for several moments on the platform admiring the beauty of the scene playing out below us as several hundreds of thousands of candles were being lit, followed by a chorus of voices, singing their praises to God.  It was a sight to behold.

On the walk back down the steep incline, with flashlight in hand, we had a wonderful conversation about how our experience of trying to walk up the steep incline of the mountainside without a flashlight, is very much like trying to live our lives in spiritual darkness without Christ.  It was very frightening not to have any light marking the path as we walked up the steep rocky path.  In the same way, without Jesus we are simply wandering around in the darkness, uncertain of what is ahead in our lives.

"I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness."  John 12:46

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous run to it, and are safe." Proverbs 18:10

We then thought about all of the obstacles that we had to overcome to make it to the top of the mountain, such as the rocks and unlevel ground and the cliffs sitting upon the trails shoulder.  The flashlight clearly lit up the path in front of us; therefore, we didn't need to fear the things meant to cause us to stumble, for they were exposed by the light and could be avoided.

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me."  Psalm 138:7

 And, we talked about how the flashlight is like the Bible, providing us with direction and wisdom.  Without the flashlight, we could have easily made a life-threatening step.  So it is without the Bible.

 "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

 Although I wouldn't wish to repeat our journey up the steep mountain without a light directing us, I am thankful that God choose to use my foolishness in forgetting my flashlight to once again lovingly remind me and my precious son of our need for Him, in every circumstance, every day, at every moment in of our lives.